Insecurity.

Hello, I am feeling like crap right now. Just wanted you to know in case anything here comes off as bitter or negative.

You see, I have been home alone all week (R is off at training). I missed a couple subbing possibilities in the beginning of the week because the phone lines were down Sunday night, so I was looking forward to today: a full day of subbing science AND girls' night out! Finally I got out of the house and interacted with people! (Well, actually I went to the advanced-climbing class last night as well, lost some finger-pad skin & got a good arm workout in.)

School went really well today! It was one of those great days where the students were in good moods (tomorrow starts a 3-day weekend for them), they were happy to have me instead of their regular teacher, and I actually TAUGHT them something. This is the 2nd year in a row I've ended up subbing for this class on the day they are working on balancing chemical equations, and I can actually help the students to grasp the concept. It's a really gratifying and positive feeling to help someone *finally* understand something with which they have been struggling.

So then I came home, feeling good, got a good bit of knitting done on my gorgeous & utterly-pettable sweater, and got ready to go to the GNO. I turned on the computer to check the meeting time just before we left, and read that 2 people I had been expecting might not be there- bummer. So I go anyway at 5:30 (ridiculously early for dinner, we typically don't eat before 7), fearing that I'll be the only one to show up.

Yeah, should have trusted my instincts. I sat there for 45 minutes HOPING someone might appear to prove I'm not a total loser before I ordered a halibut burger & onion rings to go. The restaurant (Sharkbites) is awesome, laid-back, comfortable, excellent food, good beer selection, the owner was completely cool, etc. But nothing makes you feel you are a worthless turd like sitting and hoping SOMEONE will show up to spend 30 minutes with you on a Thursday evening. I was stood up by my "friends."

Granted, I know a lot of people have perfectly good reasons for not being there, kids, family stuff (one girl didn't even get off work until 6 anyway), etc; but still, I felt like I was not worth even expending the effort. (It's one night every other month, for God's sake!!) I hate that the people who actually make me feel like I'm worth being around live 4-8 hours away. I hate that I have no real friends here I can count on. It appears that the people I thought were my friends actually have nothing in common with me other than friend/family working for ODF, and we all play with yarn. Or maybe they are all just plain too busy to be friends with lil' old me. It sucks to find out that nobody wants to be around you (unless they live too far away to do so).

I like this town. I like our house, I like our lives, I like living here. I just need some actual friends now, so I don't feel like shit anymore.