I know, I know

Yeah, the other night wasn't an intentional slight, and it shouldn't reflect negatively on my character that nobody else showed up. People did honestly have good reasons to not be there. But still, sometimes I wonder if I'm not still that weird little ostracized 12 year old girl.

You know how every class has that one kid; the one who is awkward and different, who people make fun of? That kid who reads too much, does too well in school, isn't good at sports, wears uncool clothes; the kid who has no real friends (because being outwardly friends with her is social suicide) so she wanders the playground alone at recess? The one who is teased and laughed at (even by the people who would be her friends in secret, but not publicly), whose homework gets stolen, who doesn't get invited to birthday parties? That kid was me.

I'm introverted, insecure, and still awkward. I've never found it easy to make friends, sometimes I feel socially retarded. But I've had enough friends now that I know it's possible; that I'm a likable and worthwhile person. But it's still hard not having people in this area that I feel are more than good acquaintances; especially when I feel we're such different places in life, and my local friends have too much going on to fit me in. That doesn't make me better or worse than them, just not perfectly suited.

It seems like a lot of friendships are like that- you're only friendly with someone while you're doing the same things- at the same school, in the same situation, have the same hobbies, work the same place, etc. If anything changes, you lose the glue that holds you together. And sure, distance and changing lives make things hard on any relationship, but there are some people you just don't want to lose, you know? So it's hard when those special people -the ones you would happily hang out with every day, talk to for hours, go anywhere with- all live a day's drive away or more, and I see them a few times a year if I'm lucky (one I haven't seen in years now).

I keep talking about my 30th birthday- I want a big party! I want people to all go out to dinner together! I want to go camping with friends! I want to have people over! I want to go stay at a hotel up the coast so people from Portland & Seattle will come! But then I realize- it won't happen. It doesn't mean that people don't love me, they are just busy, and we live too damn far away.