Ch-ch-changes!

Thanks for that intro, David Bowie!

Anyway, because I have been avoiding writing in this blog since it was available to literally millions of people via Ravelry, I decided to make a new blog for my patterns and keep this one for like, writing about life and stuff. Not that anybody still reads it, since I haven't posted a REAL blog post in, oh, say years now?

But anyway, the patterns are now here http://mimulusknit.blogspot.com/

And I shall commence the writings once again! I swear.

Upwelling Skirt

Upwelling happens here in the ocean this time of the year, when the summer winds from the Northwest push aside surface waters, drawing up cold waters from the depths to replace them. These waters are full of nutrients, which increase plankton and algae growth, creating a very fertile, productive ocean. Though it can make things look a bit murky, upwelling is a vital cycle in the ocean.

I decided to knit a summery skirt in a olive green hemp/cotton, and the wavy hem made me think of summer in the ocean! Here are my notes if you wish to knit one too.

The yarn I used is not commercially available, it is a hemp & cotton blend from Yarnia. It was about 850 yards of DK weight to light worsted, however, so it should be easy enough to replace with another cotton/ hemp/ linen yarn. Elsebeth Lavold Hempathy would probably be a great fit.

My gauge before washing the swatch was 23 sts /32 rows in 4", and after washing it shrunk slightly, to 23.5 sts/ 35 rows. Washing the swatch is not something I normally do, but it's vital with this type of yarn, as it changes quite a bit with machine washing.

I measured my favorite a-line summer skirt to get the measurements, and then cast on extra for a loose waist, knowing I wanted to do a drawstring.

Use your gauge and your measurements to figure out what to cast on for your own waistline (it sits at the low hip). Make sure it is an even number. Place a marker, and join in the round.
For my own skirt I CO 170 on size US 4 needles (3.5mm), giving a 28" waist (which turned out to be much looser than necessary, but it works)

Knit 2 rows of K1, P1 rib.
Knit one row of K1, * YO, K 2 together* The eyelets should be in the purl rows, with the K2togs continuing the ribs.
Do 2 more rows K1, P1 rib.
Switch to size 5 US (3.75 mm) needles.

Because my row gauge gave me 8.75 rows per vertical inch, I did increases on every 9th row, giving a nice, flowing skirt. To do this, on the first row after the ribbing, I placed markers at 85 stitches (halfway) and 127 sts (center back). Be sure the extra pair of "booty" increases are on the back of your skirt!

Knit 4 rows stockinette stitch, and then do your first increase: *Knit to 1 st before marker, make one, knit 1, slip marker, knit 1, make one.* Repeat that at each of the 3 markers.
Doing these 6 increases every 9th row meant I increased an inch in circumference for every inch longer the skirt grew.

Continue knitting in stockinette stitch, doing increases every inch, until skirt reaches 17”, or 4" less than you want your total length. Remove increase markers.

Now it is time to start the lace hem, which takes some number wrangling, as it is an 18 stitch pattern, so you want each half to be divisible by 18, give or take a few.
My last regular increase (at 16”) got me to 244 stitches, so I put a marker at 122, and knit one more row, increasing 4 on each half. Remember, you have some wiggle room with border stitches, if you have to increase a million to get it to a repeat of 18.

Switch to US size 9 (5.5 mm) needles and split for the hem by working on one half at a time. (for me, 128 sts, including the 2 edge stitches).

On the first row of the pattern, I increased 1 stitch at each end to form a single-stitch garter border, which is knit EVERY row, regardless of the pattern row. I found it very helpful to place stitch markers every 18 stitches, to delineate my pattern repeats.

Do 1 repeat of chart 1, one of chart 2, an additional repeat of chart 1, and then knit chart 2 through row 4. Bind off loosely purl-wise (on the right side).
Weave in ends, and chose a cute ribbon or string for your drawstring. I macrame-knotted hemp twine for mine, like a really long necklace. 

Here are the charts, both of which are 18 stitch patterns, repeated across the skirt. Remember your garter border stitches on either end!
Chart 1
1.) [k]18
2.) [k]18
3.) [k]18
4.) [k2tog]3x, yo, k, yo, k, yo, k2, yo, k, yo, k, yo, [k2tog]3x
5.) [p]18
6.) [k2tog]2x, yo, k2, yo, k2, yo, k2, yo, k2, yo, k2, yo, [k2tog]2x
7.) [p]20
8.) k2tog, [k]16, k2tog

Chart 2
1.) [k]18
2.) [k2tog]3x, yo, k, yo, k, yo, k2, yo, k, yo, k, yo, [k2tog]3x
3.) [k]18
4.) [k]18
5.) [p]18
6.) [k]18

I have been told to blog more, so here I go.

Sorry any real posts have been few and far between. I guess I didn't realize anybody was actually reading this anymore. It was touching to find out that I do still have friends out there lurking here. :)

I don't know why I haven't been putting anything up lately. A local friend told me recently I should have a blog. Her argument was that I do all sorts of cool things people like to read about, which which I don't necessarily agree, but her statement of "you like to write, don't you?" was inarguable. I think maybe I just don't feel very comfortable writing about myself. I know that only people who have this link can read this blog, but I'm sure it's floating around in cyberspace enough that loads of strangers could get to it. Now probably they'd all be cool people from Ravelry just here to look at knitting patterns, but still, it's weird having a space dedicated to narcissism.

Also I feel I never have anything new or exciting to talk about. I'm always knitting, and we're the kind of people for whom cooking and gardening aren't hobbies, they're just a way of life. It is always interesting to see how "normal" people live, peeking in another person's fridge is an interesting little window into their home life. Nearly everything we cook starts out as raw ingredients, with the exception of pasta. Yes it takes a long time, but that time is well-spent and usually enjoyable when we cook together. It's the stuff that fuels your body, so I feel it's worth it to make it ourselves and have it be real food from nature, not full of strange chemicals. If you want to read more, a fabulous book about all this is Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma.

Things are going pretty well here socially, we've been here long enough now and met real friends. There are still a few people I wish I got to hang out with more often, it's just hard to pull them out of their hibernation in the winter to get them to come to parties or dinners. But I've built myself 2 separate knitting groups, which each have their own good & bad aspects. I've tried to combine them into a book club that knits, but there's just so much stress and frustration when organizing a group of people that are very busy and not very serious about the book club.

I do plan on improving my sewing skills in the future, so that's a new thing I can blog on, I suppose. I learned recently that I've pretty much fallen off the bottom of the commercial scale due to size inflation, and when I can find clothes that fit, they are usually hideous. So sewing will become a necessary addition to knitting if I want clothes that actually fit. I did combine the two recently in a sundress for my toddler niece. I was pretty pleased.

I'll try to write on here at least every month from now on, more often if I can find the time and something to say. If you're reading this, leave a comment with what kinds of stuff you want me to write about. :D

Orion Cowl

I know my Sister-in-law admires infinity scarves (thanks to Pinterest, where she called them "Fall Essentials"), so I decided to make her one for Christmas. I admired Gap-Tastic and Marian, but in the end, I knew I wanted to go my own way. Part of the reason to create a new pattern is that I wanted to try real moss stitch (not seed stitch) where there is a 4-row-repeat. It’s nice!

I used sz 15 needles; I wish I had size 13s, but oh well. My gauge is always small anyway.
I knit mine with with 1.75 skeins of Thick & Quick Metallic. Unblocked it’s 8” wide and 26” in diameter. Very snuggly and stretchy with a lot of nice drape.
92 yards got me 4.5”, unblocked, so you can judge how much yardage you'll need.

Materials:
Super-bulky yarn, about 160 yards. (I used Lion Brand Thick & Quick Metallic in Constellation 140g/ 92 yards each)
Size 13 -15 US needles (9-10mm) depending on your preference and gauge.

Gauge (not super-important): 7.75 sts and 9 rows = 4"

CO 113, then knit 1st & last st together to join. Place marker. Begin pattern:
Row 1) k1, p1
Row 2) k1, p1
Row 3) p1, k1
Row 4) p1, k1

Repeat these 4 rows until it's tall enough (I stopped at 8")
End on row 3.

Bind Off is: k2tog, pass stitch back to L needle, *K2tog TBL, pass back to L needle, P2tog TBL, pass back to L needle* repeat. Nice & stretchy, without a glaring edge.

Block it if you want to, it may stretch out a bit with wear if you don't. I left mine unblocked though, it's just so squishy!

Enjoy your infinity scarf/ giant cowl!

Calyx pattern

The calyx is the ring of leaves behind a flower’s petals. It often is left behind attached to the top of the fruit, as in the case of an eggplant, strawberry, tomato, or persimmon.

We randomly have a lot of royal purple tulle, and so I suggested to DH that he could be an eggplant for Halloween. He loved the idea, but said he needed a stem & leaves, so I knit some.
There weren’t any patterns that were at all what I was looking for, so I made one up.

My original pattern has 4 leaves, and I really wish it had 5, so here’s the pattern re-written for 5 leaves. This (knitted with chunky yarn) fits an average man’s head (not tightly). For someone smaller, use smaller yarn & needles.

CO 8 sts on sz 8 needles.
I-cord 1”
Switch to sz 10 needles, I cord 2 rows.
Join in round, knit one row.
*KF&B* repeat around row.
K 1 row.
*KF&B, K1*.
K 1 row.
*KF&B K2*.
K 1 row.
*KF&B, K4*.
K 1 row.
Make every 4th stitch a purl to delineate the leaves and their veins. Keep these stitches as purls throughout, increasing around them (use stitch markers if necessary).
Continue increase pattern (keeping purl ditches as established) until 80 sts.
Knit 1” (I didn’t do this and really wish I had)

Knit back & forth on the first 16 stitches to make one leaf:
Sl1, K6, P1, K8
Sl1, Purl.
Sl1, K6, p1, K6, K2 tog. (15sts)
Sl1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, K5, p1, K5, K2 tog (13 sts)
s1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, K4, p1, K4, K2 tog (11 sts)
s1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, K3, p1, K3, K2tog. (9 sts)
s1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, K2, p1, K2, K2tog. (7 sts)
s1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, K1, p1, K1, K2tog. (5 sts)
s1, purl.
Sl1, K1, PSSO, p1, K2tog. (3 sts)
Last row: sl1, P 1, PSSO, K1, BO 1, tie off last stitch.

Repeat this for the other 4 leaves. Wear & be fruity or vegetable-ey as you please! (Though botanically speaking, they’re all fruits.)

To make this into a strawberry cap, knit the main part of the cap an extra inch or so before splitting off the leaves. Then do the leaves each as 8 sts wide instead of 16.

For a tomato, split the leaves off after an inch, but again make them 8 sts wide, and do extra straight rows between each decrease to make them longer). This gives 10 leaves instead of 5.

How weird are we?

Since March is apparently "National Crafts Month" I thought I should attempt to chronicle the weirdness that is our crafty household. Also at some point I read an article in Sunset about "the next hip food-crafty trends" or something similar. It listed about 6 "new" things all the cool foodies should try. I realized we'd already done 5 of the 6 things.
Also the big interest in Pinterest cracks me up, because it really seems like a site for people that wish they were craftier than they actually are (but instead they spend hours online trolling for pretty pictures of food and crafts). I actually do make those weird, complicated recipes, and craft those cute things.

So here is a list of our homestead-craftiness:

Gardening:
* 124 square feet of raised bed garden space.
* Additional beds of strawberries & garlic, plus blueberry plants, rhubarb, 4 fruit trees, and hops on the garage.
*Herbs and flowers in the front, as well as a hedge of raspberries edged with artichokes.

Food:
* Homebrewed beer, all from the grain (as opposed to extract- it's like making a cake from scratch vs boxed mix), often using home-grown hops.
+ Home-fermented cider (from apples we press ourselves, grown by us & Matt)
* Homemade rootbeer (from extract, but still)
* Homemade cheese: mozzarella, ricotta (both milk and whey-style, queso blanco
* Homemade sausage. R loves doing this, I just help turn the handle because I hate raw ground meat.
* homemade sauerkraut and pickles, the lacto-fermented REAL version, not the add-vinegar quick way.
* home canned peaches, jams, tomatoes, chutney, and all sorts of other preserves.
* I often bake complicated cookie/ dessert recipes, usually involving some kind of caramel. The last ones I made were copycats of GSA Samoas. All treats in our house come from scratch, not a box or a mix. They taste 500 times better that way.
* Homemade candies: caramel, fudge, divinity, lollipops, fondant eggs, praline, chocolate frogs, marshmallows, beer brittle, toffee.
* We bake bread, sometimes by hand, sometimes in the machine, often using the 3-min-a-day recipes. Also pizza crust.
* Homemade pasta. We haven't done it in a while, but making squash raviolis are on the list for next week's dinner.
* Sssmokin! R got a smoker for Christmas a couple years ago and has smoked: tofu, salmon, many kinds of cheese, almonds, scallops.
* And let's not forget the contribution of eggs by our 3 chickens. :)
* We often try new recipes from all over the world. We've made etouffe, gnocchi, Mongolian hotpots, lemongrass beef noodle bowls, caponata, spanikopita, borscht, schnitzel, tikki masala, chili relleno, Ethiopian lentil stew, tagine, potstickers, ceviche, sushi, wood-fired pizza, kalua pork, etc. Tonight's dinner is pad see ew.
* Also this is not crafty, but trendy- we source all our meats locally from small, sustainable farms (4-H kids, if you want to know) and catch our own clams and crabs.

Crafty:
* I've knit over 200 things, including probably 30+ sweaters.
* I dye yarn about 3 times a month, and am learning more about using natural dyes (as opposed to food coloring, which I use now).
* I now create yarn on my spinning wheel! The other day I spun 5 oz of fluff that I dyed myself and got 315 yards of lightweight wool!
* We make our own soap from the melt & pour glycerine. I currently have 25 lbs of goat-milk base R gave me for Christmas. ;)
* I'm in the midst of sewing a green pleated skirt for St. Patrick's Day. I've made a couple other skirts, pillows for our couch, tote bags, the dog bed, etc.
* Woodworking- R has made shelves, spice racks, tables, display racks, a sweater cabinet, a nice box for my knitting, a cribbage board, etc.

Construction:
R built our garage himself, aside from the concrete and framing, which had to be done by professionals. He's also built several retaining walls, our garden shed, a stone patio, a pergola for the grapes over the patio, a trellis for wisteria, and the chicken chalet.

I'm sure there are a million things I'm forgetting, and things that don't really have a good space like "we make our own granola." But yeah, we're foodies, and we're weird. Apparently that currently makes us hip. Crazy.

for those not interested in knitting

Right, so I know if there are still people out there who check this blog, they will be disappointed that my latest post in months is a knitting pattern. Sorry. Here's a real post!

Things are going well here, though work is very scarce since the district went to a 4-day school week. But I'm getting knitting done, I guess.

R is still liking his promotion to Mr. Manager, though he is certainly working more hours now.

We spent Christmas in Seattle, and then went to Cabo with my Mom just after Christmas. It was warm, but it was a very atypical vacation for us- we're not used to the "sit around the pool at the giant resort" kind of trips. We did get to do a bit of snorkeling and a lot of walking though, and took a sunset boat ride. Cabo is crazy, it made me a bit uncomfortable how everyone spoke English and tried to sell you things. That's not the "Mexico" I want to visit. But it was nice to be in warm weather for 10 days, particularly since we came back and had to flee the snowstorms in Seattle, only to arrive home in time for a small typhoon.

Spring is going to be busy though, I'm traveling to visit Vicky in LA later this week (and going to my first ever knitting convention- must not buy ALL THE YARN!), seeing "Wicked" in Portland Easter weekend, and then going on a road trip through the Southwest with my Mom in late April. It'll be fun, though I'll miss R and the dogs.

There is not much exciting news to tell for now, I'll report back after my adventures!

Distinguished Gentleman's Wig pattern

Distinguished Gentleman’s wig
This pattern was created for a Pirate-themed birthday party I had a couple years ago. You can’t be a proper British Naval Captain without a powdered wig! It was inspired by Hallowig, but I had to basically make up my own version, so here it is. If anything is confusing, it might help to glance at that pattern though. This wig is knitted in 3 pieces, the two sides (which will roll up to form the curls) and the ponytail, which are later connected in the round when the bangs are cast on.
This pattern hasn’t been tested or tech edited, and it was written up about 2 years after I knitted it, so if you find problems, please let me know! You may note in the photos that my wig is very short (you can see the natural hairline in the back), I adjusted the pattern to make it longer.

Materials: Size 8 US (5mm) circular needles, plus an extra needle (of any sort) about the same size for BO
Lion Brand Fisherman’s Wool (or any worsted-aran weight, off-white wool), 120 yards.
A bit of ribbon.

Gauge: approximately 19 stitches and 24 rows = 4” You don't need to swatch, but it has to fit your person’s head, so check as you go.
Size- Should stretch to fit an average adult

Sides (make 2)
Cast on 18
Row 1) K1, P1, *knit until last 2 stitches* P1, K1. This purl ditch will keep the sides from rolling too much.
2) P1, K1, *purl until last 2 sts*, K1, P1.
Repeat until piece is 3.75” long from beginning.
Then start increases: K1, P1, Kf&b, *knit until last 3 sts* Kf&b, P1, K1. (20 sts)
Work 3 rows in pattern.
Repeat these 4 rows once more. (22 sts)
Repeat increase row. (24 sts)
Work one row in pattern.
Repeat increase row.(26 sts)
Work one row in pattern. (Finish on the Wrong side.)
Cut yarn; put the sides on stitch holders or spare yarn. (Piece should be about 5”)


Back:
Cast on 6 sts.
1) K1, p1, K2, p1, K1
2) P1, K1, P2, K1, P1
3) K1, P1, K2 tog, P1, K1 (5 sts)
4) P1, K1, P1, K1, P1
5) K1, P1, K1, P1, K1
6) repeat row 4
7) repeat row 5
8) repeat row 4
9) Start increases: K1, P1, Kf&b, *K until last 3 sts* Kf&b, P1, K1
Work 3 rows in pattern (knit the knits, purl the purls)
Repeat these 4 rows 6 more times. 19 sts. Ponytail should be about 5.5” long. Cut yarn



Connect the sides and back:
Knit across one side (continuing the one purl stitch just inside each edge), then Kf&B across all ponytail stitches, Knit across second side. 90 sts.
Knit back-and-forth in pattern (all stockinette except the 4 edge stitches) for 3 more inches. Sides should measure about 8” total. End on a wrong side.

Crown:
Knit around the side, back, side, Cast on 15 stitches for bangs and join in the round. P1 (edge stitches of next round), place marker for new beginning of row. 105 sts.
Continue in pattern, including the established ribs at the beginning and end of rows. Continue this K1 P1 pattern through the newly cast-on bang stitches. (Row should K 88, *P1, K1* to end of row, ending with a purl. There should be 17 total ribbed stitches, including the already established edge “ditches”).
Repeat for 2 more rows.
Then knit all stitches except the 2 purl “ditch” rows at the edge of the 2 sides, outlining the bangs. Knit until 1” from ribbing.
Set up for decreases:
*Knit 21 sts, place decrease marker* repeat until bang stitches.
Decrease:
*Knit to 1st marker, slip marker, k1, ssk, K to 3 sts before next marker 2, k2tog, k1, slip marker. * Repeat for other 2 markers. Work the bang stitches as established (knitting all but the 2 purl edges).
Work the decreases every round until 6 sts remain between markers (15 decrease rows). AT THE SAME TIME, Every other row, decrease the bangs as follows: P1, K1, SSK, Knit until last 3 sts, K2tog, P1.
The bangs should measure 3” and be almost all decreased at this point.

Remove st markers, put the first half (between center front and center back)on one side of the circular needle, and second half on the other side of the needle.
Flip inside out, and do a 3-needle BO.

Finishing: Weave in all ends. Turn right-side out. Roll up the bottom 3-4” of the sides and tack down to form the curls. They should be located just at the bottom of your ears. Feel free to make a couple extra 4" squares if you want more curls, just roll up & tack on! Tie a ribbon around the narrow part of the pony tail. If you want to be really fancy you can make a tassel and sew it on the end of the ponytail. The wig may need to be felted slightly to fit, but that will make it more realistically wiggy!

Wear to all important Royal events, or to capture scurvy sea dogs.

Note- if you want it to be more of a novelty hat and less of a costume wig, knit your favorite ear-flap hat pattern as the crown, placing the wig curls and ponytail at the proper spots (either sewn in or knitted on).

Much gnashing of teeth

Apparently of late my blog has become the place I vent. Here's another one.

Dear book club-
We had several good years together, but it's over. I remember how happy I was to find you, to be a part of a local group of intelligent women discussing interesting books. You led me to books I normally would not have read, and discussions with people I otherwise might never have known. We had good times for certain. I barely hesitated when you wanted things to get more serious and asked me to take over as group manager.

Things went well for a while, I was able to schedule meetings far enough in advance, we picked a whole year's worth of books at a time, it worked. Granted I spent endless hours compiling book blurbs and researching when they would be available in paperback (one woman in our group, part owner of a bookstore, decreed that we couldn't read books still in hardback, as it was bad for her business) and how many were available at the library. I know none of the other members realized how much work this was, or appreciated it, but just expected their reminder emails coming every month. I could deal with that.

But then things started to get bad. It was like twisting arms to get volunteers to host. People would change dates at the last minute, to nights I couldn't attend. Then things would get decided at the meeting I was not present for, and nobody would relay that information. I was out of the country on vacation, and sent emails to next month's 2 possible hosts before I left so I could have the info I needed to send the reminder when I returned, to no avail. (The "I knew you were on vacation, so couldn't send you an email" argument really only pissed me off, it didn't excuse anything because EMAIL SITS AND WAITS, not to mention that I checked it at least once a week even from another country.) Basically our communication was terrible. This, dear Book Club, as everyone knows, is a death knell for relationships.

After that debacle this spring, I had to bring it up to you. I had to tell you how stressful and frustrating our relationship had become for me; that it was bordering on toxic. You promised to change, and things did get better for a while. People volunteered to host again, and we went back to knowing several months' worth of books in advance, instead of picking next month's book at our meeting (which I hated). Things were okay, though I still felt undervalued and clearly like I was the bottom of the group totem pole. I understood that I had a different taste from the rest, though it hurt that I read their boring historical non-fiction tomes but nobody would finish the Christopher Moore or Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman books I suggested.

I'll admit that I also started to resent that we would talk about the books for about a half an hour, and then it was all Mommy Mafia discussions. Your kids and their football/ dances/ boyfriends/ soccer camp/ classes have nothing to do with the books we read, and don't interest me as much as they clearly interest you. If it's relevant, please discuss it, but last time was literally twice as long of a discussion about the special technology-based program at the high school and whether it's beneficial or will be funded next year than anything relating to the book. The fact that less than half of you ever finish the books doesn't help matters either.

But then it happened again. You changed the date of a meeting only a week away. You all have children in the same school who are understandably your priority, but surely you knew about the winter fundraiser/bazaar/pageant/whatever months ago and could have planned around it? Or maybe someone could have emailed me instead of informing me a few days before the reminder was to go out that you all discussed amongst yourselves and changed the date without even considering me?

Since I had to miss that meeting (it being on one of about 3 nights I actually had something planned that month- see if you'd asked ANY OTHER NIGHT would have worked, but you didn't bother to ask.) I was unsure what was going on this month. I emailed the person who hosted, and her response was, "I can't remember, it was so long ago." This after our laying out the rules this spring that if I miss a meeting, it's the host's job to email me with what happened. Normally we meet on the 3rd Thursday. My notes said we were meeting this Tuesday. The email from the woman hosting said "Wednesday." Confused, I call the host's mobile. Then I call her home number. Then I email her.

Finally I get an email today saying that GUESS WHAT? It's tonight. So yet again I get to send out a last-minute reminder, making me look bad. At least I didn't send out one with erroneous information (due to people neglecting to inform me of changes) like this spring. But it makes me angry, and I don't want to be angry. I don't want to have to go to a meeting where I secretly am bitter and have to bite my tongue. I don't want to try to organize people who are horribly disorganized and bad at communication. I don't want to be the person in charge of planning when I am the only person who never sees anyone outside of the meetings, and the last person anyone talks to when something changes. I need to cut the bad relationships out of my life, and you, dear Book Club, have become terrible.

That's it; it's over. I can't put up with this anymore. I'm certainly not being your planner anymore. Maybe I'll find a new group to discuss books with. Maybe I can take some time and later we can be friends- I'll come to your meetings if it's a book I want to talk about- but for now, I need a break.



PS- The fact that you all went to two other plays that two other members were in, but NOBODY came to mine was just another indication of how little you regard me.

Epic cookie-tastrophe

SO every once in a while I run across one of *those* recipes. The kind that sound tasty and innovative, but, when made, are a total fustercluck of horribleness.

This recipe is my latest example.

Eggnog cream-cheese filling in a ginger cookie? Sounds deliciously holidaytastic, right?

Well first of all, I'm expecting a retraction in next month's issue saying "Yes, you all were right, a 2-cup dry-ingredient to 2.5 sticks butter ratio is completely off."
So yeah, stickiest dough ever. A decent portion went down the drain, since I could not get it off the beaters.

Then chill the dough for 30 minutes, simple.
Oops, I read wrong, you were supposed to scoop the dough with a 2tbs scoop (right, like I have such a useless utensil taking up drawer space?) and THEN refrigerate them. Ok, they should be easier to scoop now that they're chilled anyway. Except that it's still the stickiest dough ever, except for the very outer layer, which is hard like, well, refrigerated butter.

But anyway, I scooped, quickly realizing that I DID NOT have enough dough to make 24 cookies. Re-arranged and scooped much smaller, more like 1 Tbs each. Still ended up with only 18 balls. Alright... now I'm supposed to refrigerate them. WHO HAS ROOM IN THEIR FRIDGE FOR 2 COOKIE SHEETS? Not me, that's for sure.

Rigging something involving beer fridge, chest freezer, and other freezer, I chilled dough and filling (which never really got firm). Once firm, I smooshed the sticky balls into volcanoes, with difficulty. Spooned in filling, with more difficulty. Attempted to "close tops to form a kiss" HAH! NOT POSSIBLE! The filling squishes out and the cold dough won't close over it.

Gave up, left cookies as volcanoes-full-of-lava. Put trays in oven for 15 minutes, wherein the dough melts (being half butter), and cookies spread all over the parchment. Rotate pans, as directed, noting that they are already fairly done. Cook another 5 minutes (10 still to go) and notice the edges are getting very brown. Remove from oven and transfer to rack.

Later, taste. WTF, THEY AREN'T EVEN THAT GOOD!!! The cookie parts themselves are like crackers, they have so little sugar, so if you get a bit without filling it's worthless. All together as intended they are... decent. Not even remotely worth all the struggle and mess.

EPIC FAIL, CAKESPY! Worst recipe I've made in ages.